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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

What NOT to say to someone with Cancer


I lost a friend this past weekend to cancer.  He had Leukemia.  He found out after I found out about my cancer and went into remission before I did. But he was not a candidate for Stem Cell Harvesting or a candidate for a Bone Marrow Transplant from a donor.  He was told in December that he was out of options and he was out of remission.  We would sit together on Sunday and share a blanket to stay warm.  We called each other from time to time to check in and we went to the same Norris Cotton building for treatments so we saw each other there as well, each of us having chemo. He wished me well as I was getting ready for my Harvesting. Cancer patients share a special bond. I know we did!

I remember talking to him about what others say to us without a clue as to how it sounds.  Some were funny while others sounded not so much.

Here is a partial list of what we have been told or asked: Please don't say these things to other cancer patients...

1. "WOW you don't look sick!"  I'm glad that I don't look sick so thank you but one day someone is going to tell me this and I will just loose it and say: "Thank you, we do make the best looking corpse you know."

2. "I've never heard of that cancer, is it one of the bad ones?"  Is there a good one?  For the person who was just told they have cancer, it's bad!  It's the worst kind of bad!  Yes, all cancer is bad!

3. "My (Grandfather, Aunt, Sister,___(fill in the blank) died from that."  Unless the story has a happy ending, don't start with this.  I've been thinking a lot about death. I really don't want to hear your death story thank you.

4. "How long do you have?" I've actually turned over my foot and looked at the bottom of it and said "No expiration date there, don't know."

5. "You're lucky, your cancer will not leave a scar" Well not one that you will see on the outside, but there are plenty on the inside.

6. "I thought Chemo was suppose to help you lose weight."  I did answer this one with "Thanks for letting me know that, I'll be sure to tell my doctor that his chemo isn't helping me lose weight."

7. "Better you than me, I couldn't handle this. You are such an inspiration" I said "Thanks, glad I could help."  I've never so admired anyone that I was glad for their misfortune because it made me feel better.

So I celebrate my friends finishing the race, his graduation to Heaven where he has a new body, a new life, a new health. He also has no more silly statements or questions to deal with. I know he is laughing over the things we talked about. I also know that I will miss him!

12 comments:

  1. Unbelievable the things people say. {{hug}}

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    1. Thanks for Hug - love those - even the ones over the internet! :-)

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  2. So sorry for the loss of your friend. The list you shared helps all of us to better understand what to say to someone with cancer. My mom had breast cancer, so I can relate to it well.

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    1. April, I think all of us that have had cancer and the caregivers can relate to stupid statements we hear. I'm glad to know that we can all laugh at it and sad to know that we all have heard them. I'm so sorry about your mom.

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  3. My deepest sympathy on your loss. I'm sure you were a great comfort and source of laughs to your friend.

    I'm also sorry for all the thoughtless things people have said to you. Number 7 was shocking to me - way beyond thoughtless - stupid and cruel to wish ill on someone else.

    I LOVED your retort to #4 - that's perfect and so funny. How you managed not to slap these morons upside the head is a testament to your classiness.

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    1. Thank you Anu, he was a good man and we shared a lot. I have a longer list of stupid things that were said to me but only put down 7. I'll add more another day. I figured 7 was enough for one day. I've been shocked by a few as well and really didn't know what to say at first but after awile, when you hear the stupid remark over and over I do come up with something. Silence Is Golden sometimes.

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  4. So sorry to hear about your friend. Thank you for sharing this list. I don't think I've ever said these things. But what this does, is remind me to be careful what I say to people. Thanks for the reminder. Still praying for you.

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    1. Cathy, you strike me as the person who thinks before you speak and that will keep you from saying such things. Thanks for the prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

    Thank you for listing these ridiculous things people say - and shouldn't say. I think that people really just don't know what to say, so stupid things come out of their mouths. Kind of like the silly things we say at funerals. It's uncomfortable, and silence seems even more uncomfortable, so silly things get said. It's good that you and your friend could laugh at them. Thanks again for sharing the list - I'm sure it could be longer!!

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    1. Terri, Thank you for your kind words. The is is a lot longer but only put down 7. I'll do more on another day.

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  6. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. A dear friend of mine is fighting cancer right now and I don't think she's going to win and she's very realistic about it all. Another friend and me were talking about what to say to her when she starts talking about things like "when God takes me" and other comments in a similar vein. I know I probably err on the side of saying wrong things (but not quite as tacky as some of the things you listed here) but sometimes we don't know what to say and want to say something, if that makes sense. Maybe a post could be written on what can be said, what you appreciate hearing?

    betty

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  7. I can't imagine myself saying those things but I do know there are people out there that have no clue on compassion! Thank you for the list.

    I am so sorry you lost your friend......((HUGS))

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